“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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My beach vacation Google searches
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying