One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.