me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.