My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water