“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one