37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
May never get over this
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed