Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel