It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Birds & Planes.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
mood
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.