DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.