Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.