Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
never compromise your values
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.