coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
this will hang in the louvre one day
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime