If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.