I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I was just discussing this with my cat
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.