Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
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How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Sticker placement is key.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
all bases covered
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.