[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
the three genders
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you