My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
this makes me so uncomfortable
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?