Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me too
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m already scared