My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
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In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.