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I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No