Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
prepare for carbonated trouble
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.