A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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OH. COME. ON.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Oh my god
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming