Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Warm pools make me nervous.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”