me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.