Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Just got to our Airbnb!
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters