So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
You Might Also Like
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese