Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.