Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
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[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees