If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Not today
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.