(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Ha.