Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
tell em, edith-anne
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*