I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.