interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My background check bounced.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed