[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior