SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
A new level of troll.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E