Don’t forget to tip your server
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[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
This did not end as expected.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop