My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You Might Also Like
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Those are good neighbors.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars