closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Carpe DM
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me: