HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
😂🤣😂🤣
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.