You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
lmao
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”