I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?