[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.