opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.