“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge