If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.