Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.