Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
#SuperBowl
Breaking news:
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder