How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie