My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face