Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.